Does anyone else remember the comic strips Charles Schulz would draw that had Lucy sitting behind a cardboard stand offering psychiatric help for five cents? Apparently, Im even more pathetic than Lucy was as I frequently find myself in the position of wanting to offer some advice myself, only I dont even get paid a nickel for it. I have to pay for it myself! But a mans got to do what a mans got to do, so heres some more of my free advice for a few folks I wish would listen.
Attention all Hollywood producers and directors! Do you people really talk like the characters in your movies talk? Did your mother never wash your mouths out with soap? Do you eat with those mouths? Why do you think we want to hear people use language like that and not only that but to pay for the privilege? Are you all so lacking in creative ability that you cant make your characters capable of expressing themselves without making them sound like drunken sailors? (My apologies to sailors everywhere both hammered and sober for that last comment.)
While I’m thinking about it Id like to offer some words of wisdom to Barbra Striesand, Ben Affleck, Mike Farrell, Michael Moore and all the other Hollywood inbreds who keep criticizing our country and its President and trying to tell us how they think things should be. I know you folks work in Hollywood, so Im going to speak really slow so you can understand, We dont CARE what you think politically! We already know that you are so liberal youll only eat the left wing of a free-range, no-chemicals-injected, tofu-substitute chicken. So quit yammering about President Bush, Rush Limbaugh and the Republicans. Didnt the last election demonstrate to you that the heartland doesnt really pay attention to your political views anyway? We want you to make us laugh and cry and even occasionally think when you do your sometimes-debatable artistic expressions and weve made you very rich in the process. But other than that just leave us alone! There.I feel better! How about you?
While we are on the subject of Hollywood, can I offer some advice to people who own video stores? With all the other entertainment options via cable, satellite and computer competing against your bottom line, Ive got an idea for you. Offer to rent the edited versions of PG-13 and R-Rated movies that you show on airplanes. I dont rent movies that are filled with that kind of language, but there are some that look interesting. Im more likely to rent them if youd clean them up first. If you can do it for your airplane audiences, how about doing it for your rental audience as well. Just a thought.
Michael Jackson, heres some words of advice for you. Get some help. I used to laugh at you, cringe at you, mock you and frankly be revolted by you. Im at the point now that I just pity you. Ive never seen a more lost soul in my life. How sad your existence must be and so empty as evidenced by your inability to accept yourself as God created you. Your warped values have made you a danger to children on several different levels. You need a core thats built on eternal Truth and that cant be found apart from a personal relationship with God. Your music, your appearance, your mannerisms, your values all scream that you are a man searching for a foundation. Youll find it in Christ.
And now for some words for the dads. Check you what your daughters are wearing. Ive got sons and Ive got daughters. I worry about them both in different ways. Its hard enough raising kids with good morals without having them constantly surrounded by in-your-face sexuality at every turn. Sadly, that happens at church, school events and youth activities any more. Your daughter (and mine) doesnt need to be flashing their midriff at the boys. When their tops are tight enough to serve as a quasi-thermometer, then a real dad would say, Honey, youre not going to be able to wear that anymore. When their jeans are tight enough to identify bikinis vs. thongs (what business does a pure young single lady have wearing a thong anyways?), then its time to move up to the next size sweetie. Let them know Everybody may be wearing it, but I love you enough to tell you that you arent. Lets go shopping and get some better cool clothes that will keep your dad from having a stroke, OK?
And while were on the topic, heres some words for dads and their sons as well. You know the whole double-standard thing (wink-wink) about how far a guy can go before hes married verses how far a girl should go? Well, its not recognized in our house. Stay pure, keep your hands to yourself, get to know your dates dad and work to impress him with your virtue and character, keep your hands where everyone can see them and treat your girlfriend with the respect youd want someone to treat your mother or sister. And by the way, Pornography will rot your soul and will rob your spirit when it comes to having a normal outlook, appetite and outlet for your sexuality, so stay away from it like the poison it is. If I catch you cruising on the internet and going to places you and I both know are wrong, youll be back in the technological dark ages faster than you can say Pamela Anderson.
And now for the Pastors in Bible-Preaching churches everywhere, Now more than ever, we need men of integrity preaching the Word of God without apology. Too many of us have fallen into sin, habits and lethargy that are hurting the reputation of our high office. Add to this the sad, though inappropriate, comparisons to our position and those who are priests in the Catholic church and weve lost some credibility and opportunities. Lets be more diligent than ever in staying in the Word and on our knees as we call people to Biblical living and repentance. Lets never be afraid to be the lone-voices in our communities calling for righteousness. We already know who wins in the end, lets just be faithful until that day.