Whirled Views with Dan Burrell

My friend, Bob Byers, has been listing his family’s Christmas traditions over at Watchman’s Words. The Burrell’s have multiple traditions that always sound better on paper than they play out in real life. Among them is cutting our own trees, decorating them while eating finger foods, watching a movie or two right before Christmas, making fudge and chex mix, watching “A Christmas Story” at least once and then there’s the dreaded Christmas cookies. My mom used to torture us well into our 20’s by making a big batch of sugar cookies and then forcing us to ice them while she took movies and snapped pictures.

It just ain’t Christmas until the cookies are decorated. I’m pleased to announce that indeed, Christmas has arrived as we just finished decorated the blasted…er uh, blessed cookies.

Nathan skipped out early to finish some Christmas wrapping and thankfully, Rene is here to help out with his artistic touch. Josh got more icing on his face than he did the cookies, but I don’t think it was an accident.

So with that…Merry Christmas to all my friends, family and readers who frequent this blog. May your Christmas celebration be filled with thanksgiving for the goodness of God and the gift of salvation.

If you listen to the mainstream media these days, we aren’t simply losing in Iraq, we’ve already lost. They’ve turned PA Congressman Murtha into the biggest media darling this side of John McCain and Cindy Sheehan. In recent news cycles, we have been treated to the melodramatic grandstanding of none other than Saddam Hussein.

So, this begs the question… Is the media at least partially responsible (or even culpable) if we do leave Iraq prematurely only to see it fall into the hands of another Hussein or Khomeini? Is the media not to be held accountable if their uproar over everything from the Patriot Act and wiretaps results in terrorist cells exploiting our national debate into an opportunity for another major attack?

Let me offer some additional examples of how the media is influencing how we execute this war…

First, I’ve heard from multiple military insiders that dropping a bomb on suspected terrorist hideouts in Iraq and Afghanistan requires enough red-tape, legal sign-offs and full-scale reviews to make a French Union look efficient. While we are wringing our hands over collateral damage that might kill an innocent cur dog owned by an Iraqi child, the bad guys have enough time to finish their car bomb, say their evening prayers and high-tail it to safety. (Not to mention terrorists technique of doing their dirty work or hiding in hospitals, schools and family neighborhoods so as to form a human shield of innocents.)

What about our preoccupation as to what defines torture? The media has been oh-so-quick to quote the maniacal Saddam’s allegations that he has been abused at the hands of American soldiers while during the same week, video tape showing the beheading of an American civilian contractor was censored and barely even mentioned by the mainstream media. Everytime the French or the Swiss get a little quakie voiced over some potential for abusing some of the most heinous criminals the world has ever seen, American liberal politicians start trying to tie the hands of everyone from the President to Barney Fife to insure that every prisoner is given clean sheets and tea and crumpets. These cowards don’t wear the uniforms of a nation, they are not real soldiers, they do not fall under the rules of the Geneva Convention and they do not deserve to be treated with deference so that people who got rich off Hussein’s reign of terror will like us.

Consider also the issue of “secret prisons”, the rights of “Guatanomo Prisoners”, the rush to withdraw troops immediately without regard to the consequences and the overplay of the Abu Grahib excesses performed by a few renegade soldiers (and by the way…having some bomb thrower parade around naked with a pair of Victoria’s Secrets panties on his head is NOT torture. If it is, then half the frat boys in America can claim they were also tortured.)

In regard to torture, I would take some comfort in knowing that with appropriate procedures in place, an American soldier could bring a dog into a room holding a terrorist who has placed a dirty nuclear bomb somewhere in a major city and to convince that coward that in 30 seconds he was going to let that dog chew his face off if he didn’t start giving some information and quickly. It seems to be the position of RINO’s and Democrats that in order to secure details and intelligence that it should be American law that the soldier say “Pretty, Please?” and offer them some hot cocoa and donut holes for their cooperation. Am I for cruel, wanton acts of violence performed by unaccountable and out-of-control renegades? Of course, not. Am I for giving key leaders the discretion to use techniques that might make some of us uncomfortable against diabolically evil men who are intent on killing our wives and children? You bet your favorite toy, I am.

I could go on and on about other things the media has done to ignore the good work of American soldiers, the victory of successful elections, the progress of restoring the Iraqi infrastructure and the generosity of American soldiers. I could also mention the focus on Cindy Sheehan, the free-pass given to the insane Ramsey Clark, the unchecked and unfiltered coverage they give to ever outburst by Hussein and his cronies in the courtrooms and the lack of attention given to the gross atrocities that are being revealed each day of the trail against Kurds and other Hussein enemies.

Hussein is evil — pure and unadulterated. He should be executed soon and publicly. His body should lay in a crumpled heap on a square that used to hold his statues until the entire Kurdish population has a chance to pass by and spit on his carcass.

But I’m sure if that were to occur, we’d only get another dose of guilt-laden and apologetic reporting from the folks at CNN, NBC, CBS and ABC.

If you’ve read my other articles, you know that I’m not overly hawkish — indeed, I wrote a controversial article entitled “Why I’m Wobbly on This War.” But, my personal opinions aside, war IS war. It is awful. It is vicious. It is horrific. And once we commit to it, it is essential that we win it — otherwise, we just invite another war and another by all those who see us as a weak-willed and vacillating target.

The power of the media’s ability to shape public opinion during war time is not small thing. Remember when the allegedly “neutral” journalist Walter Conkrite decided to come out during his newscast as opposing the war in Vietnam? The rest of the media and many citizens fell like dominoes before his opinion. It became unwinnable because we were unwilling to pay the price required to win it. Since that day, “Not another Vietnam” has been the drumbeat of every major mainstream media figure and every liberal activist and politician anytime that America has determined that force was necessary.

It is unfair and cruel to send our young men and women into harm’s way on foreign soil and in the name of freedom and then treat them like puppets and pawns. The media shouldn’t ignore atrocities or the wicked acts of renegades (on either side). But at the same time, they shouldn’t be treated by liberal talking heads wearing $1,500 suits in posh New York office suites like they are the enemy from which they are trying to protect us.

Have you ever met a Christian who believed all the right things, but communicated it in all the wrong ways? For the last several months, I have been engaged in prolonged and painful conversations with members of the local media (both Christian and non-Christian), political leadership and elected officials regarding the tone and communication of an outstanding local official who has the knack for enraging others with his rhetoric. In the maelstorm that follows, often even those who agree with the position distance themselves from this politician and his party and associates because they don’t want to be associated with what they view as “over-the-top” communication which provokes, but does not resolve.

Throughout my Christian life, I have observed often-well-meaning people, who seem to take some joy in being ugly in terms of how they communicate their beliefs and practices. The older I get, the more I regret some of the attitudes I used to cling to as a sign of rightness or firmness. I dont often regret my positions, but I do regret my tone.

Several years ago, I wrote down three guiding principles that I have tried to use to direct my words and my actions as it relates to the positions I hold. They are held accountable by the Biblical admonition that I am to speak the truth in love.

I want to share those with you today.

The first is, I will accept people where they are and love them to where they need to be. I have seen churches turn away good people who were probably genuinely searching for answers or direction because they didnt fit our mold at the time. Have you ever seen a street person or maybe a biker with a pony tail or a tattoo come into your church? You can almost hear the sound of necks popping as we turn to stare silently praying that they wont come to sit next to us. Someone might ask, how would Jesus respond? I think I know. I believe that He would stand and motion to the individual. He would make sure that they got the favored seat at the end of the pew. Hed put His arm on their shoulder and inquire sincerely about them, learning of their need and background. Im sure He would share His hymnal and ask them to come to His Sunday school class. How do I know that? Because one of the epithets that was hurled at Jesus by the pious religious leaders of His day was that he was (horrors) A friend of sinners.

Secondly, I will allow the Holy Spirit time to complete His work in the lives of others. I always want to play God and it gets me in trouble. I can force people into my mold (which often looks strangely and uncomfortable like myself) and then I might find them acceptable. But in reality, that kind of control is only external and never eternal. Only the power of the Gospel can really change lives and we sometimes need to learn to sit back and let God be God. When He completes His work in us, the result is a changed life, not just a changed appearance. Oh, dont misunderstand me, I think we ought to look/act/talk like the Christian. But that is a product of right walk with God. We sometimes mistakenly think that saying or doing the right things make us a Christian, but it doesnt anymore than making reving noises and standing in a garage will make us an automobile.

Finally, I will agree to disagree agreeably. Sometimes, I think we forget who the real enemy is. It isnt the church across the way that preaches the gospel, but uses different methods. It isnt the brother across the church who carries a different Bible version or prefers hymns to choruses. It is the devil. Why is it we erupt venom so often on our brothers and sisters in Christ over inconsequential issues and we remain silent when Satan attacks and destroys those for whom Christ died? We dont have to be ugly and we dont have to be loud. We can just be firm and recognize that we will never always agree with everyone considering the diversity of the Body of Christ. Our energy needs to be spent on fighting the devil and not fussing with each other. Outside of the church, when dealing with topics ranging from sports teams to politics, we must never forget that we are ambassadors for the Lord and the view we give others of Christ may be the only times they meet Jesus. A right impression of Christ is more important than political might or position of power.

Christians arent perfect and the process of becoming Christ-like is a daily and life-long process. But all of us could use a tone examination from time to time to make sure that our actions and our attitudes are worthy of Christ. We never see Him out of control or responding hatefully to those who are searching for answers. His strongest words were always reserved for those who wrapped themselves in the guise of holiness and religiousity and who mislead, deceived or abused those who need His help the most.

Todd Rhoades sends out a weekly “Monday” email to pastors that is often informative and occasionally hilarious. Todd runs “Church Staffing.Com” which is actually a very good place to visit if you are looking for staff additions. This morning, he gave us his list of “7 Things NOT to Give Todd for Christmas.” Few things make me laugh outloud on a Monday. This one did. You can read it HERE.

You may remember that I posted an article on “Taxing the Life Out of Porn” a couple of months ago. I actually sent it to my syndication manager and it went out around the country and was picked up internationally on several websites and press outlets including a large web news outlet. Let’s just say that the feedback from the pornographers has been, well, er…”less than gracious.” I recently did a websearch on my name to find that one website (and NO, I will NOT link it here) actually has a whole page devoted to me with my name and a suggestion that is both immoral and offensive. As we say in the country, “Throw a rock down a dark alley and the dog that yelps loudest is the one you probably hit.”

I’m pleased to tell you that this idea of putting a “sin tax” on porn has gained some momentum. Today, at 4:00, none other than FOX NEWS financial guru, Neil Cavuto will be discussing the idea of adding pornography to the sin tax list.

As I’ve said repeatedly, rare is the tax that I like and I’m philosophically opposed to using taxation for the purpose of social engineering. But, I’m willing to pragmatically put aside my economic values for the sake of making life a bit more miserable for porno-kings and their mindless minions.

My good friend who is an attorney tells me I’m whistling through my hat. He contends that assigning a special tax to a (albeit a slimey) portion of the “media” is more than a little likely to be interpretted as a violation of the First Amendment. That may be the case, but I’d still like to give it a shot.

After we run this by the courts, I’d like to see a sharp group of class action litigators go after the alcohol companies for the tens of thousands of deaths that are caused each year by drunk driving, drunk violence and disease. Hey, if we can do it to the tobacco companies and the pharmaceutical folks, why can’t we go after Bud, Jack Daniels and the boys? There’s a lot of money waiting to be “harvested” guys — go for it!

If you missed my article the first time, click HERE.

Benjamin Franklin once said, “How many observe Christ’s birthday! How few, his teachings! O, ’tis easier to keep holidays than commandments.”

Theres a lot of hullabaloo this time of the year over Keeping Christ in Christmas. John Gibson, of the FOX News Channel has even written a best-selling book entitled The War On Christmas. I have been invited twice in recent days talk radio shows (one of which was a nationally-syndicated show) to discuss how corporate America is changing Christmas into a cultural celebration as opposed to a religious observance and how the forces of political correctness are trying to nueter the spiritual message. (After thinking about it, I declined the invitations as I dont think they would have liked my take on the whole topic.)

Controversy surrounding the appropriate observance of holidays or Holy Days and the conflict between the secular and the sacred are as old as the New Testament Church. Paul had to address this to the believers in Rome, Galatia and Colossae. Even then the propriety and protocol for observing various holidays was controversial — particularly among the believers.

Bob Hope used to say, “The Christmas spirit is a wonderful thing. It’s the one time of the year when a man will give somebody a $50 watch, and the rest of the year he wouldn’t give him the time of day.”

I think few of us would argue that the way we observe Christmas in this day is at all honoring to the Lord Jesus Christ. Someone tried to engage me in a conversation about the whole commercialization of Christmas as it related to the spiritual message of Christ and I responded, rather crudely, the way we observe Christmas today in terms of honoring Christ is similar to inviting a stripper to your grandparents 50th Anniversary Celebration. Its simply rude, inappropriate and wrong on every level. Some would argue, but yes, we have Christmas cantatas and communion services and so forth and I would just continue my argument by saying, in the typical American home those are the equivalent of having a Church service for the renewal of Grandpa and Grandmas 50th Wedding Anniversary THEN having the stripper show up at the reception. For those who think Im being gratuitously hyperbolic, then I would ask you to consider the typical office party observed at Christmas.

Granted, devout Christians dont go to the same level of excess (hopefully) as do non-believers, but I would still suggest our tendency to over-schedule, over-eat and over-spend is an unacceptable way to observe a Holy Day even if it doesnt reach the depths of drunkenness and debauchery that will be observed by others.

I also want to iterate that Im not against Christmas. It is a sweet time of year around which many fond memories have been built in our own home and family. But I would also hasten to add that none of my fond memories are attached to busyness, gifts received or gorging myself into a coma. Instead, they rotate around breaking through snow drifts the last Christmas my grandfather was alive to pick him up for Christmas eve communion. Driving all night to spend the Christmas holidays with my mother and sisters the first year after my father died. Hearing my mother read the Christmas story to her squirming grandchildren as they sat on her flocked couch.

Yesit irritates me to hear that Wal-Mart is now saying Happy Holidays and just to be ornery, I will look the clerks straight in the eye and respond with Merry CHRISTmas. For me, my disgust for the ACLU is pretty much a 12-months-a-year loathing, but I will share with you that it does peak a bit with every lawsuit filed during the month of December to remove a nativity scene or a Christmas hymn from a school program. But in the end for meI can and will observe Christmas in MY way in MY home and with MY spiritual values intact. That cant be taken away from me by any corporate mogul or fanatical lawyer.

Yes, Im fully aware of the pagan origins of Christmas. From the Christmas tree to Santa Claus, I understand that the celebration is rife with observances that, at one time, were wasted on false gods, non-Christian or even unchristian practices and a whole lot of silliness. In my Christian liberty, however, I am fully convinced that I can have the freedom to ignore that debris as long as I dont resurrect its real origin in my observances. Decorating a tree does not make you a druid unless you are observing the doctrines and beliefs of the druids. Im decidedly not. My tree reminds me of Christ and family nothing more and nothing less. If decorating a tree stirs conviction in your heart then by all means, do not put up a tree. I have several friends who refuse to decorate a tree oddly, one of them actually decorates a cross which I find more than a little bizarre. And yes, I could be accused of being inconsistent by refusing to observe Halloween and then turning around and enjoying Christmas. Scripture tells us that we must be convinced in our own minds and this is where Im at today. It is not a test of fellowship with me again, I govern my family and I provide leadership to my church, but you will have to give account to the Lord for the decisions you make. You are free in Christ to govern your own family. We simply must agree that Scripture should always be our foundational guide.

David Noebel of Summit Ministries recently sent out an email with a list of Christmas Acts of Ludicracy which included the following:

• In Texas, a teacher told students not to write “Merry Christmas” on greeting cards for soldiers in Iraq because it might offend someone.
• In a New York school, the halls were decked with menorahs and Kwanzaa candles but no Christmas trees.
• A high school principal in the Seattle area canceled a dramatic performance of Charles Dickens’ classic “A Christmas Carol” because of its Christmas theme.
• In Florida, an elementary school concert included songs about Hanukkah and Kwanzaa but offered no traditional Christmas music.
• In Rochester, Minnesota, two students were reprimanded for saying “Merry Christmas” in a school skit.
• Bay Harbor Islands, Florida refused to allow a Nativity scene on public property but has menorahs and the Star of David on lampposts.
• This year’s “Parade of Lights” in Denver included Native Americans, belly dancers, and a ceremonial Chinese dance to “chase away evil spirits,” but the parade organizers would not allow any Christian-themed floats.

John Gibson recently blogged about a poor old Catholic priest who apparently got confused at a “Holiday” event sponsored by the city and dropped the “J” word. A city council man went berzerk and grabbed the microphone to correct the travesty. (He later recanted and apologized.) It is just one more silly example of political correctness run amok.

However, stop and remember this… It has ALWAYS been on Satan’s agenda to disrupt Christmas. He tried to stop it for 4,000 years before it ever happened. From the fall of man to the Egyptian captivity to Herod’s murderous attack on infant boys — Satan tried to stop the coming of Christ with every generation. So why should we be surprised that the unconverted world finds the celebration of Christ’s birth offensive today?

The whole “Peace on Earth” thing about Christmas is totally misinterpretted. It was simply a greeting. Christ’s arrival didn’t bring peace…it brought conflict. We cannot have the peace OF God until we have made peace WITH God and that could not happen until Calvary’s agenda was complete and we have accepted the invitation offered by God to be part of His Redeemed Bride.

Of course, we aren’t offended by the observance of Hannukah or Kwanza or Ramadan or any other holiday of any flavor of spiritual significance. It means nothing to the Believer. Go ahead, knock yourself out — it doesn’t offend, matter or threaten me.

Ah, but Christmas — the message that sinners need a Savior, that Salvation saves us from damnation, that Satan was defeated and there is hope and life beyond the grave. Well, now…THAT’S a different matter. For in the message of Christmas, we have a confrontation. What will you do with JESUS?

Scripture offends. The Gospel offends. Christ offends. That’s they way it is supposed to be. Don’t simply “react” to the political correctness. Point out the reason. No human can silence the call of God to salvation. Let the controversy be an opportunity; not a stumbling stone.

Satan didn’t prevent the first advent, nor will he hinder the second one. Our mission must be to be faithful to the call of Evangelism until Christ comes again.

One of my closest friends, who is a former member of Grace Community Church received an email link to one of the most horrific websites on abortion I’ve ever seen from GCC Pastor/Elder Rick Holland. It is gruesome, shocking, horrifying, revolting, heart-breaking and dead-on accurate. You should force yourself to watch it.

As the father of four children whose birthparents chose life, rather than abortion, this issue has always run deeply personal to me. But even if I were not connected to the issue at this level, I’d be adamantly opposed to this wanton and reckless attitude toward the miracle of life.

Forty million babies have cried for mercy since the landmark ruling of Roe vs. Wade. I’m not so naive as to think that the world will ever be free from the holocaust and curse of abortion. At the same time, our government has chosen to legitimize it — even subsidize it at times — when it is nothing less than the wholesale slaughter of innocents. America’s refusal to repent of this grave and wicked practice puts us in the same league as Hussein’s Bathists and Hitler’s Nazis. That isn’t hyperbole — it’s just the harsh reality.

I dare you to click on the link below and force yourself to watch it. Learn from its facts and statistics — but don’t shy from the brutal photographs and videos. It may remind you of what is at stake with every election, every judicial appointment, every conversation you have with your teenager about purity and abstinence, every act of evangelism and discipleship wherein we share God’s plan for order, life and substance.

You’ll find the link HERE.

If you have a blog…add the link to your site as well or link it to this post. The world needs to know.

Sometimes where one stands depends on where one sits. And again, sometimes where someone stands depends on where one stands.

As a pastor, who stands on a podium week after week often in various auditoriums I can tell you that matters of church etiquette may be dependent upon on which side of the pulpit one finds himself.

Ill admit to being a bit defensive and protective of the ministry of preaching. I try not to take myself too seriously. Im famous for making verbal faux pas due to the rapidity of my natural speaking pace and the fact that often my brain is traveling faster than my mouth. Just this week, while speaking at Baptist Bible College in Clark Summit I accidentally read the wrong text and momentarily had Enoch being caught up into heaven in a fiery chariot but I was under the influence of medications at the time. So, Im not afraid to laugh while preaching, poking at my own foilables and I really do enjoy connecting with an audience.

But I also take preaching very seriously. Our teens will tell you that I dont suffer goofing off during the preaching or prayer lightly. Once it is time to get into the meat of the Word, I become very focused on seeing it become real in the mind and heart of the listeners. Perhaps thats why I find some audience behavior annoying, distracting and at times, offensive.

Ive been in a sort of goofy mood this week. These poor BBC students probably think Ive been smoking and inhaling. Maybe its the time of the year or just my own appreciation for the Theatre of the Absurd but, this topic has been in my craw lately, so I thought Id give you a light-hearted perspective on this topic. So lacking anything truly substantive to blog about tonight, I offer my Top 10 List of Rude Audience Behavior.

Drum roll, please.

10. Coming in late

These are folks who think that a late entrance is spiritual or fashionable or better-than-not-showing up at all. Im not talking about the young single mother who is making sure her kids get to the nurseries or the occasional late-comer due to a traffic jam. Im talking about the chronically tardy whose lateness is a matter of character. By coming in late week after week, you are communicating to the pastor that the first two songs or first two points or first two whatever you miss, just arent really that important.

9. Incessant Coughing

Everybody gets a tickle once in a while or a lingering case of bronchitis. Theres also the sudden unannounced cough that shows up uninvited and catches everyone by surprise. But what Im talking about is the person who sounds like they are going to hark up a lung or are in some way related to the sea lion family. If you already know you have a cough, bring a cough suppressant, sit near the back, step into the lobby until the fit passes. But please, dont sit on the second row and bark until someone throws you a fish!

8. Cute and Not-so-cute Babies and Toddlers

Im 44 years oldthere is nothing cute about me at all. I simply cant compete with an adorable, cooing, curly-haired angel that wants to entertain three sections of pews with their absolutely darling antics. Please dont make me try. I will lose every time. I just cant compete with babies.

And then theres the screamers. Those kids, who when they get cranked up sound like a cross between a banshee and a 747 coming in for a short-runway landing. Interestingly, there is a correspondence in many cases between the volume of the screaming child and the cluelessness of the parent. Its like they think that its like a bit of gas it will pass in a few seconds and everything will be fine. Uhno, once some of these kids get going theres just no stopping them.

Look, Ive got four kids. I know they have to come into church eventually and that the training will require some difficult moments, squirming and even trips to the lobby. Thats OK. Its part of being a family. But one screaming child in a room of 1,000 people will distract the congregation and the pastor and in effect, ruin a sermon. But one screaming or rambunctious child in a church of 100 and you might as well dismiss the service. Dont let your kid wave at people, climb over and under pews, talk out loud, throw toys across the aisle and cause a disruption. The pastor has worked for hours and this is his lifes work. You do expect him to take it seriously, right? Then use the nursery and come in an listen respectfully.

7. Gum

Oh, this is a big one and Ill admit largely personal and petty. My wife thinks Im nuts for griping about this as she truly loves her gum. But from my perspective, (and it IS a farm-boys perspective) standing before a bunch of gum chewers reminds me of looking at a row of Hereford cows chewing their cud.

And if theres one thing that will absolutely send me over the edge crack it. Yes, thats a nice touch. Not only do we get to watch endless mastication, we also get to listen to it as well with punctuated clicks, pops and snaps. Bring a sandwich, eat Oreos, shoot set up your barbecue in the aisle and cooks some bratwursts, but please.NO GUM!

(Particularly if youre in the choir!)

6. The drawn out candy wrapper

My grandmother was a great one at this. Shed bring those little Brach cinnamon disks that are so good, but have the noisy plastic wrappers around them. She was always worried about causing a stir so shed try to unwrap it sslloooowwllyy but what she really did was prolong the agony. Instead of quickly ripping it off in 1.2 seconds, it would take her 3 minutes of little crinkles and wrinkles until everyone was ready to scream, PLEASE, for the sake of all our sanity! Just unwrap the stupid thing!

I also enjoy those who try to unwrap candy in their pockets and purses which doesnt really muffle the noise but gives the impression that youre about to pull out a revolver at any second. Thats a little nerve-wracking also.

5. The Thimble-Sized Bladder/Camel-Sized Thirst Syndrome

You know what I meanthe folks that just cant make it through a 90-minute service without hitting the restroom and/or the water fountain at least once, sometimes more. My favorite was the rather large lady who sat up in front and would sneak sips from her Diet Coke can and then would waddle out mid-way through the service. Hello??? Lay off the coke and you wont have to visit the little girls room plus, is this a church or the movie theatre? What are you going to want next? Cup holders? While that example is a decade or more old, Ive recently seen folks smuggling water bottles and coffee cups with them into various services. Seriously, if you are that thirsty you might need to visit your doctor.

If you cant make it more than an hour without visiting the restroom, heres another idea Depends.

4. The Mega-Sneeze

This of course is the malady of the individual who didnt get enough attention when they were a child so they periodically have to let loose with a roaring sneeze that will blow the wig off the person sitting in front of them. Often, it sounds more like someone dropped an ice cube down their back or they are just entering into some sort of Charismatic fit and has the equivalent response of firing off a shotgun mid service. This half shriek, half howl sneeze is guaranteed to disrupt a preachers focus and cadence while people peel themselves off the ceiling and titter embarrassingly for a few moments. By that time, the preacher has moved through 2 more points.

There additional versions of the “mega-sneeze” that includes sounds that run the gamut from whistles, to a tourette’s whoop, to the sound that a mouse might make if you step on it. Just do a polite “achoo” and be done with it, OK?

3. The Inappropriate Amen-er

A personal favorite here. The inappropriate Amener is often the person who uses a very loud Amen to announce some sort of personal problem. The preacher makes a statement like A wife should support her husbands effort to lead the home spiritually when all of a sudden, some guy rips off a bellaring, Welp, AMEN!. A lot of people snicker, the wife turns red, the kids roll their eyes and he feels like hes had his say. Yep, he said something alrighthe just announced, Im an idiot.

2. The Early Departer

This person is VERY, VERY important. They are SO IMPORTANT that they cant honestly be expected to wait until the benediction or the conclusion of the invitation or the final hymn. Oh nothey HAVE to be the first one out of the parking lot, first one in line at the nursery, first one at the Ryans Buffet or some other vital appointment. Usually these folks enjoy sitting near the front to give the impression that to respond to the invitation you go backwards, not forwards. Sometimes they have the look of a salmon swimming up stream as they dodge people who are coming forward to do business with the Lord.

1. CELL PHONES

OKThis is my number one pet peeve. Rarely does a service go by without someone having a cell phone go off. This in spite of the fact that every church I know today has powerpoint signs, bulletin announcements, even verbal reminders to Turn Off Your Cell Phone. I particularly appreciate those who have a ringer that plays a rendition of Livin La Vida Loca or Ebony and Ivory. Yes, that truly promotes a spirit of Worship.

Every phone I know of has both an off switch AND a vibrate setting. Ive literally watched people answer their phones in the service and act like they are whispering as they carry on the conversation as they exit. What is SO important that it cant wait a few more minutes? What did people do way back in the 1990s when cell phones were a luxury, not part of ones anatomy? Unless you work for the President or are a transplant surgeon, dont you think it could probably be wait? Heres a tipwhen you turn the phone off, the voice mail will record your message and you can retrieve it as you sit in traffic waiting to leave the parking lot.

Unless, of course, you are an early departer.

Now, Ive written this with tongue firmly in cheek. If you think you recognize yourself in this list, I wasnt thinking about you. Really. No, I mean that. I promiseit ISNT you!

Im not trying to come off as a prima donna or a legalist or some sort of retentive preacher/tyrant. But I do hope youll consider that the audience is really an audience in a true worship service. They are a part of the worship, the process, the presentation. Each of us in the body have different responsibilities as we worship together. Lets all take our parts seriously.

Well, this week I’m up at Baptist Bible College and Seminary in Clarks Summit, PA speaking at their college and seminary. I really enjoy my invitations here. They have a super spirit on campus. Jim Jeffrey is the President and he is a super guy. They have a wonderful worship leader for the college and the chapel music ministry is the best of any college I speak at bar none. The kids sing, the music is meaningful and sound, the spirit is free and I look forward to being a part of it every time I’m here.

I preached at both services at Northside yesterday a.m. and then ran home and packed before heading to the airport. Of course, my plane was delayed an hour and they have no TV’s in the waiting areas, so I missed the rest of the Panther’s game which gave me a little bit of a bad attitude. (I did get to watch them haul some drunk dude off a flight headed to Newark and give him the “treatment” which was entertaining, but it was the NFL.)

I made it to Philadelphia just in time to hustle over to my connecting flight. After running like OJ to the gate, we discovered that the flight there was delayed.

Now let me tell you this. USAirways is about the only option we have for flying out of Charlotte as it is a major hub for them. On a good day, their service is mediocre. But if there is a “bottom-of-the-bucket” airport in American today in terms of service — it is undoubtably Philadelphia. EVERY time I go there, I end up with lost luggage, unexplained delays or long waits on the tarmac. Yesterday I got all three.

A four-hour delay — with absolutely NO explanations from the USAirways personnel. You could get more information by calling the 800 number than you could get at the gate. THEN, when they finally loaded us onto a puddlejumper plane, we watched our carry-on luggage sent on the tarmac for 40 minutes until someone from luggage meandered over. So…they had four hours and forty minutes to transfer our luggage from the Charlotte flight to the Philly-to-Scranton flight. But of course, fully 1/2 of us didn’t have luggage when we finally arrived in Scranton at 10:45. So they tell us to file a claim at the front counter. I was 12th in line and yes, they had all of ONE attendant processing claims. After 15 minutes, someone else showed up to help. They assured me that there was another flight coming in and my luggage would be delivered during the night so I didn’t have to worry about the prospect of preaching in blue jeans at my 9:00 chapel service.

I got up at 7:30 to pick up my bag at the hotel desk and of course, they hadn’t delivered it. So I ended up borrowing a sport coat and khakis from the guy who picked me up. Thankfully, we basically wear the same size or so.

THEN I get a call from USAirways that they’ve changed my flights for returning which would have caused me to miss a VERY important meeting I have at church Wednesday evening. So they rescheduled on a different flight to get me back only to put me on a flight that left while I was scheduled to be preaching in chapel! Cindy, the world’s most competent personal assistant finally threated to break enough legs at USAirways that they put me on a Delta flight (I still will have less than an hour to go from chapel to being on the plane, but I think I can make it) which will get me back in time for my Wednesday night service and meeting.

SO….if at all possible…a) do NOT use USAirways….they’ve lost my luggage so many times I’ve lost count, their counter help is consistently rude and they flight times are unreliable (there’s a REASON they are in bankruptcy) and b) avoid Philadelphia Airport at all costs (It always amazes me that a skiff of snow causes the airport to go into paralyzation mode — for pete’s sake — it’s PHILADELPHIA…what do the get, like 500 inches of snow a year??!?!?).

So I’m a little crabby tonight and stressed…but blogging helps me out. It’s like therapy.

I know the Lord is teaching me things right now, but I feel like I’m cramming for finals. Just getting sermons together for a week like this is a major effort after the harddrive crash. But in the end, God puts me where I need to be, when I need to be there and always lays something on my heart important enough to share. It’s just this walking by faith thing that keeps me on my toes (or more like “on my knees.”)

Hopefully, I’ll be able to post something less-whiny and more substantive in the next few days.

I’m a bit under the weather this week with some sort of cold/bronchitus thing going on, so I haven’t felt much up to writing. There are two interesting articles I’d call to your attention.

First, you know one of my favorite bloggers is Phil Johnson of Pyromaniac. His blog artwork is simply unexcelled anywhere in cyberspace. But today, he writes an essay on “Worldliness” that is an absolute masterpiece and pokes both the liberals and the legalists directly in the eye. You simply must read it.

Secondly, if you don’t think Western Europe isn’t a new dark continent in terms of the gospel, check out this article I received from ACSI this afternoon.

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Its a Boy! A British Christian charity, the Breakout Trust, has spent about $350,000 to produce a film and distribute it to 26,000 primary schools to teach children about Jesus and His birth. There are over 12 million children in the U.K., and only 756,000 of them go to church regularly, said the animated films creator, Steve Legg. He told the Manchester Evening News that he came up with the idea for the movie to teach youngsters Bible basics when he heard about a boy asking why Jesus Christ was named after a swear word. Learn more at www.breakout.org.uk/.
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Finally, for those who still wonder about my harddrive. The news isn’t good. The first company gave up without retrieving a single piece of data. Not one stinking byte. My brains are now bundled into an express mail package going somewhere in Indiana, I think, for another company to give it a shot. I’m sweating bullets as I’m teaching a Senior Level Worldview and Apologetics course in Boston in a month and ALL my notes, tests, visuals — everything are on that harddrive! And no, I still haven’t stopped whining about this….

Acchhooo for now.