What Your Pastor Wishes You Knew About Him - Part 1
In the last week, I’ve spent time talking with three pastors who are about ready to throw in the proverbial towel. Each case is different and no two pastors, churches, boards or any other “part” of church leadership is exactly the same, but what is common among them is a sense of deep despair. Sadly, in the last week, I’ve also heard of two colleagues in the ministry who ended their ministry with a catastrophic failure — one of them a rising evangelical leader who admitted to an affair. Not in every case, but in some cases, I’ve noticed a correlation to the thought processes between those who burnout in ministry and those who “flame out” due to sin. But whether you burnout, flame out, drop out or rust out — out is still out.
I am now two years beyond my own decision to step away from the Senior Pastorate, so I hope I can be a bit more objective about a topic like this than I might have been 24 short months ago. As for my own situation, I had my own reasons for changing the nature of my ministry and I am not looking back. For the cynical or others, nothing I write in this article should be construed as anything more or less than what it is — an opinion piece from someone who has sat on both sides of the pulpit for the last 25 years of ministry and who is still engaged in pastoral ministry — just from a different perspective in recent months.
I don’t pretend to write for every pastor out there, but I spend a lot of time with pastors and former pastors. There are some trends that are impacting pastoral leadership at this time that I think impact churches and their leaders. There are some frailties and vulnerabilities that any man called to be a pastor is naturally going to carry into his responsibilities. Add to that the spiritual warfare that is incumbent upon being a spiritual shepherd (or undershepherd). It is with these realities in mind that I offer some things that I’m guessing your pastor wishes you knew about him.
1. Bible College and Seminary Weren’t Enough
I don’t care where your pastor went to school, they did not and could not possibly prepare him for all that a pastor faces. Today’s pastor must be an extraordinary communicator, an effective administrator, somewhat astute to legalities and business procedures, a counselor, a therapist and a dozen other roles that today’s high-expectation church member often expects from their pastor.
Though many will say that’s what boards and staff are for, that thinking simply isn’t based in reality. The expectation is that the Pastor should be able to protect the church, lead the church, inspire the church and manage the church. Failure to function in those four primary departments may jeopardize the support level he enjoys from the congregation.
Much of the experience and expertise in those areas needs to be learned and earned over time. That fact has lead me to a personal conclusion that we should discuss pastoral internships more seriously in seminaries and church leadership circles.
2. Good Sermon Preparation Takes Time
If your pastor is going to accurately and thoroughly present the Word to your congregation, he must have study time. The best pastors and Bible teachers will tell you that for every one hour of teaching or preaching, about eight hours of study is optimum. Your pastor may make it look simple, but it isn’t. Typically, your pastor may need 3-4 fresh preparations in a week (particularly if he speaks outside the church a lot or if he is a solo pastor.)
It is not realistic to expect your pastor to attend every function, make every hospital visit, lead every meeting, make an appearance at every social, go to every shut-in and still be brilliant in the pulpit 2-3 times per week. A pastor should be about leading and shepherding and equipping the church for the work of the ministry. Certainly every pastor should attend “some” functions, make hospital visits on occasion, attend important meetings, drop in a socials when possible and take the time to minister to the shut-ins — but to heap all of those responsibilities (plus the administration of the church, personal growth exercises and other important tasks) is not just unreasonable, it is inhumane.
If each Bible study teacher, each deacon, each elder, each staff member took some of these responsibilities, everyone and everything would be covered and all would be blessed as they fulfill their spiritual giftedness in the work of the ministry.
3. His Family is Important Too
Your pastor needs time with his children and spouse. If his marriage fails, his ministry is likely over. If his kids don’t turn out right, his grief will be deep, his regrets will be suffocating and his reputation will be diminished. You will bless your pastor and your church by freeing him to be with his family.
For years, I’ve often told my pastors to look at their day in three parts — Morning, Afternoon and Evening — each comprised of about 4 hours. On average, it is reasonable to expect that those in the ministry will work at least 14-16 “parts” over a week’s time. That way, we should have at least 5 - 7 morning/afternoons/nights available for family time. Remember that a pastor who preaches and teaches the Word is working — it isn’t the same as sitting in the pew. It is physically exhausting and emotionally draining. Most pastors go into “Sunday mode” on Saturday evening and aren’t much of a “family guy” then. If they have a Saturday night service, move that “mode” to Saturday around noon.
According to that formula, your pastor needs one full day off and 2-4 evenings free. If he can’t get those evenings free, then he should take a morning or an afternoon when he can to compensate for the lost evenings.
Another blessing you might share with your pastor is to give him a gift card for dinner out on his birthday or at Christmas or if you own a condo at the beach or a vacation home in the mountains, offer to let him take his family there for a few days. These small tokens can be a fresh encouragement when relationships get neglected. Being able to run to a restaurant with your spouse and pay for it with a gift card is a double blessing.
In cases of extreme crisis — a wayward child, substantial marriage difficulty — be willing to send your pastor to professional help, a retreat or some intervention. If you don’t think pastors ever have family problems, then you are naive. This is a great time to practice the Golden Rule and ask one’s self what they would appreciate if the roles were reversed. The investment of giving your pastor a week or even a month off to deal with a family crisis is far cheaper than the process of kicking him to the curb and looking for a new pastor — not to mention more Biblical.
4. Be Kind if You Have a Criticism
Your pastor is going to make some mistakes. I certainly made my share of bone-headed decisions over the years. And, if the truth be told, sometimes the pastor won’t see them as quickly as everyone else does. No pastor has a corner on the Truth and no pastor is above criticism, correction or simple advice. But when you approach your pastor with something you’re concerned about, address the problem without attacking the person.
Pastoring is interesting in that no decision a pastor ever makes is received positively by everyone. That would also include no sermon, no vision, no counsel, no strategy, no hire, no building campaign and the list goes on and on. So before bringing your offense to the pastor, it would wise to pause and ask yourself, “Is this important enough to complain about or to place on the pastor’s mind?” Some things are — certainly things that deal with Theology, ethics, morality and legal matters should be addressed. Some things simply aren’t — personal peeves and preferences, gossip, many traditions and irritations.
Some pastors, when faced with the cacophony of criticisms, suggestions, problems and hissy fits they regularly confront, simply shut down — overwhelmed by the torrent and unable to prioritize, distinguish and discern what is legitimate and what is simply whining. Others will respond defensively at first, but after a while, the Holy Spirit guides them to acknowledgement of the validity of the issue. A stiff-necked and unapproachable pastor will soon lose credibility and will probably require a confrontation initiated by spiritual leadership with the church. But it is wise for all of us to measure our words correctly and to do as the Scripture tells us and “entreat as a brother” as opposed to rebuking an elder with hostility, demands or threats.
5. Give Your Pastor Time to Grow
Sadly, the average term (depending on several factors) of a pastor in America today is somewhere between 2 and 5 years. Yet, all the research tells us that a pastor’s most effective years take place after the 10th year of ministry at a congregation. It is not until a pastor marries, buries, cries and works with a majority of his congregation that he can really “connect” intimately with them as a family member might. Relationships simply take time — most of us who are married realize that the longer one is married the more we learn about patience, perseverance and unconditional love.
This is particularly true if you have a young pastor. I was twenty-nine when I became a Senior Pastor. Thankfully, our church was rather small (fewer than 300) at the time. The Lord tremendously blessed and in short order the church doubled in size and then went on to triple. But the growing pains that we went through together were extraordinary. How they put up with me for a decade, I’ll never know. I was so blessed to have some of the most wonderful and Godly elders surrounding me that I’ve ever known. They encouraged, counseled, cautioned and sometimes just let me go and in the process — I learned and the Lord blessed. They let me grow up and grow deep and though I was the youngest among them, they respected my position while offering me wise and Godly counsel. I love them to this day. I’m grateful for their patience.
Your pastor will make some bone-headed decisions. Sometimes you’ll be frustrated with how he arranges his priorities or handles problems. Sometimes you’ll have to clean up his messes and occasionally, you might have to speak earnestly and honestly with him. But like rearing children, dealing with aging parents, settling in to married life or maintaining a life-long friendship — it takes time and patience and grace.
I’m out of time, but not out of thoughts. I’ll pick this up in a few days with some more thoughts. I’d encourage any pastors who read this blog to share their thoughts or experiences as well. Until next time….
Michael Doering said,
June 9, 2009 @ 5:14 pm
Dan,
Everything is right on target, except that the title needs to be changed to Pastors and Missionaries. Great article.
Michael
CL said,
June 9, 2009 @ 10:37 pm
I’m not a pastor, but for 17+ years I sat in the office next to the senior pastor. A vantage point that some would dismiss as insignificant, but none the less, a place where God allowed me to be, and from where I observed many things. Over the years my view offered me many wonderful pictures of saints of God who only asked to be part of a wonderful thing called ministry - saints who wanted to be a part of something bigger, and more important, than themselves. This unfortunately, is not true of all. My view also allowed me a field of vision to observe those neither ready nor willing to be used of God.
I pray that those who read this blog will, with a heart open to the Lord’s tugging, take your words to heart and search their own hearts about how they are treating, praying, encouraging and helping their pastor. Until they have walked in their pastor’s shoes, they will never know all that the job requires, encompasses and demands (and to the majority of pastors it is not a job it is a calling). One day, when we stand before God, each of us will give account of our lives and those we were responsible for, but do we not realize that the pastor of our church will also stand before God to give account for the flock he was in charge of? I for one am glad that I don’t have that added to my list.
I pray I remember all my “views” of the past and with what is left of the future strive to be the saint who encourages, prays, helps and ministers to my pastor.
Jonathan Walters said,
June 10, 2009 @ 9:44 am
Dan,
Long time reader [rss]; 1st comment. Thanks so much. This is spot on. As a young solo pastor at a small church, I appreciate so much what you gave us. Printing this post as a keeper. Looking forward to part 2.
Jon
Tim White said,
June 10, 2009 @ 10:39 am
Dan,
I teach at Piedmont Baptist College and appreciate your practical insights shared. I hope our pastoral guys will read this and benefit. God Bless.
Tim White
Bob said,
June 10, 2009 @ 1:27 pm
talking to a friend yesterday about idolatry…….pastors make bad idols just like every other thing we humans use to replace God. Treat a pastor like God…don’t be surprised he can’t measure up. Treat a car like God…good luck. I think the plight of pastors referred to in this article is a reflection of the abominable idolatrous nature of We….the so called members of the church. If the members of the body were half as committed as most men who choose to follow the call to pastor might last longer.
Pressing Forward | writings from a runner racing to get closer to Jesus said,
June 10, 2009 @ 4:24 pm
[…] and appreciate his writing. It’s very true in many ways. I can’t wait for part 2! Read it here. Share and […]
Jonathan said,
June 10, 2009 @ 8:51 pm
I’d HIGHLY recommend Don Carson’s book about his father titled “Memoirs of an Ordinary Pastor.” He discusses his own father’s discouragement in the ministry. The most helpful encouragment he gives is that pastors need to remember that they too are accepted by God by virtue of what Christ has done for them. Every pastor has strengths and weaknesses. But when we realize that our weaknesses do not change one iota our acceptance before God then we will become discouraged less about those aspects of ministry that are not a strong area for us.
patrick said,
June 10, 2009 @ 10:55 pm
yo man - great post. This is vintage Dan Burrell.
awesome reminders about the family & taking time with them. *I still remember that crazy day sitting at your house when you looked me in the eyes and said “take your day off… take your vacation days… spend the time with your family.” It’s burned in my memory as great wisdom & advice from a wise mentor. I’m doing my best to balance it all even in the crazy world of planting a church.
keep more of this stuff coming. lookin’ out for part 2.
Jonathan said,
June 11, 2009 @ 9:28 am
Your experience may be different than mine, but I know many pastors and I wouldn’t say that those I’ve talked to on an intimate level are in a perpetual state of discouragement. Maybe you just attract that type.
Dan Burrell said,
June 11, 2009 @ 9:51 am
Jonathan….who said that all pastors are in a perpetual state of discouragement? I don’t know of any pastors who are in a perpetual state of discouragement. I do know some who are discouraged — just like I know some parents, some business owners, some doctors, some lawyers and some bankers who are discouraged. So exactly what point are you trying to make?
Jonathan said,
June 11, 2009 @ 2:47 pm
My point was not that pastors do not get discouraged. I was making a connection between the 2 pastors you spoke of who were in a “deep sense of despair” and the title of the article, “What Your Pastor Wishes You Knew About Him.” Does that mean the article is about “your pastor” who is likely in a deep sense of despair and this article explains the reason why? My only point was that one’s experience with pastors is anecdotal.
Dan Burrell said,
June 11, 2009 @ 9:12 pm
Indeed it is anecdotal, but there is plenty of empirical evidence that confirms that many pastors do experience discouragement, marital problems, family problems and other maladies that “real” people run against as well. In addition, one only has to look at the published statistics regarding length of tenure, numbers of pastors leaving the ministry, etc… for additional warning signs. As for “attracting that type” — I hope I do. I would hope that the Lord would put me and others in the way of those who need some grace and healing and encouragement when they need it most. To me, it is an opportunity for ministry — not a burden to be shunned.
Voyle Glover said,
June 11, 2009 @ 9:24 pm
Dan, that was one of the finest articles on the subject I have ever read. Give SERIOUS consideration to developing this into a book. I think it would make a great book. You’d have little trouble successfully pitching this to a publisher. Serious. You’re one of the most talented men I’ve ever known, and you have a great gift for writing. I think you’d do the Christian churches a great service in getting this, as a book, in the hands of laity and pastors and missionaries. I’ll be linking to this article, for sure.
Bob said,
June 12, 2009 @ 8:18 am
Its a good thing when hurting people feel safe around you. Hurting people certainly felt safe around Jesus….makes it easier to “bear one another’s burden’s” too.
Lynda Reimer said,
June 13, 2009 @ 11:58 am
Great article! We have become a nation that follows the mantra “It’s all about ME!” How sad for those who do! There is no greater joy than serving Jesus and others, no matter what the cost. I would recommend “The Peacemakers” by Ken Sande. This was an awesome power walk we recently did and should be taught in all churches. It is all about dealing with conflicts the way God’s Word teaches. Pastors would have less issues to deal with if people would only follow God’s principles. Not to mention the world would be more attracted to our message! Waiting for Part II!
Tim Decker said,
June 13, 2009 @ 12:11 pm
Hey Dr. Burrell, I have a Question for you…
How do I get my church to read this??? Seriously… anyone have a good idea of a tactful way of presenting this without the pastor coming off like he is complaining?
Dan Burrell said,
June 15, 2009 @ 12:03 pm
That’s a tough question, Tim and I’m not sure I have an answer. I’ve been asked that multiple times in the last week. Anyone ought there have any ideas? One of the reasons I wrote it is because I hope that church members will read it and pass it around.
Mike Todd said,
June 15, 2009 @ 1:26 pm
Points 1, 2 and 5 remind me of something most churches don’t do (or do often enough) for their pastors: provide a sabbatical from time to time for study, refreshment, prayer, writing, etc. The whole congregation stands to benefit from a pastor’s renewed energy and vision, as well as from the new (or newly honed) tools he may have in his ministry toolbox!
rebekah greco said,
June 15, 2009 @ 2:57 pm
I agree with a lot of what you wrote. However, the demands of being tied to two vocations is nearly impossible. Pastor/Priest & husband/father. Something is going to be neglected, and most of the time it is the family. Like the apostle Paul, it is my personal opinion that celibacy is best, for clergy anyway. One can totally devote oneself to the ministry and not have to worry about family time, braces and college. The same goes for lay people. As a mother, I choose to not do very much lay work for my church. If my babies can’t be by my side, then I’m probably not going to sign up for it, unless their dad can be with them while I quickly clean the parish bathrooms or something. My husband and children are my vocation. I leave the lay work to the empty nesters and the singles in our parish. The same goes for my husband. Outside of providing for us, he turns down activities, ministries, etc. fairly regularly, unless it is something we do as a family.
An Outside Look at the Inside of a Pastor « Outside My Door said,
June 15, 2009 @ 4:23 pm
[…] One of the blogs I follow referred to Dan Burrell’s blog. Burrell offers ten insights (Part 1 and Part 2) for congregations to understand their pastor. These are insights from one who was once […]
What Your Pastor Wishes You Knew About Him « God Is My Constant said,
June 15, 2009 @ 7:29 pm
[…] the time to read through the original posts by Dan Burell to see how these are fleshed out. (Part 1 & Part 2) Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)About Being a PastorMamma’s […]
patrick said,
June 15, 2009 @ 9:07 pm
rebekah,
just finished a book recently called “Choosing to Cheat” (andy stanley) that is awesome for any pastor, business owner, or really ANYONE WITH A JOB!!!
You are right that someone gets cheated in a pastor’s life specifically = the church or his family. It’s the pastor’s job to make sure it’s the church that is getting cheated, not his family.
What Your Pastor Wishes You Knew About Him « Growing In Grace said,
June 15, 2009 @ 9:54 pm
[…] offers what he calls “some things that I’m guessing your pastor wishes you knew about him” (part 1 | part […]
rebekah greco said,
June 15, 2009 @ 10:21 pm
Patrick,
Cheating isn’t exactly on any list of Christian moral virtues. The ministry is typically way more than a 40-50 hr per week job, at least it should be. A celibate clergy would solve the problem. It worked for Paul. Celibacy is a gift from God. “The unmarried man is anxious about the affairs of the Lord, how to please the Lord; but the married man is anxious about worldly affairs, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided”. For those who are married with children that have a strong desire to “minister”, their ministry sleeps under the same roof. If you really want to kick it up a knotch in terms of dedication, homeschool.
What Your Pastor Wishes You Knew About Him – by Dan Burrell « Ramblin’ Pastor Man said,
June 15, 2009 @ 11:46 pm
[…] .)These posts are exceptional. Take the time to read them. You can find the first post here http://www.danburrell.com/?p=804 and the second post here […]
What Your Pastor Wish You Knew About Him « amazing grey city said,
June 16, 2009 @ 12:06 pm
[…] Part 1 […]
Lakeview Baptist Church » What Your Pastor Wants You To Know About Him! said,
June 16, 2009 @ 7:30 pm
[…] offers what he calls “some things that I’m guessing your pastor wishes you knew about him” (part 1 | part 2). He lists ten main […]
My friend Benji posted this yesterday on… « Two Fires said,
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[…] Part 1 […]
Dr. Ed Johnson said,
June 22, 2009 @ 9:13 pm
Hey Dr. Burrell,
Thanks for such a needed article. I am passing it on to others pastors I know.
I have a counseling ministry for people in ministry called C.A.R.E. International and I know the problems that pastors are experiencing. We bring pastors, missionaries and their families here to our home. We have private living quarters downstairs and we hous and feed them and do about 5-6 hrs counseling a day with them. We charge a small fee for room and board, but nothing for the hours of counseling as I am a Home missionary and have churches supporting this minsitry.
The last figures that I saw 1500 pastors leave the ministry ever month. I do think that we are headed for a shortage of pastors down the road.
Ever church member should have this article. Maybe a book would be a good idea.
FYI I graduated with Mike Klapp so have known about you and your ministry for a long time. Keep up the good work.
Dr. Ed Johnson
mbartlettNC said,
July 7, 2009 @ 11:38 pm
As far as getting it out to your church for a pastor reading this: I would share it with your chairman of deacons (or comparable position) and see if he can spread to the leadership and maybe it would trickle down. Also they could hand it out during October for Pastor Appreciation Month. Just a thought…..
Interesting and Insightful « Jason Corn’s Blog said,
December 21, 2009 @ 2:28 pm
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